apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
