a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
