unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We left the knife in your bed.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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