He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the day after is always just damage control
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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