Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
