Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
