I got chris browned last night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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