she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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