I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
