Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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