A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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