I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
