So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
