we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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