when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
