Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
