Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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