Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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