he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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