I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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