Only a mothe r could love this liver
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
