We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
