Can Purell be used as lube?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
