My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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