And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
