i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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