u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
