All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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