Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's official drugs can't kill me
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
