Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
