I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
