That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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