the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
