This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
