let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
