If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
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