guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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