The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
