dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
