New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
