dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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