i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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