I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
