I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
