I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
