theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
