I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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