Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
