I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
