My sheets look like a crime scene.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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