dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
